Suicidal Man throws himself off bridge, only to be saved by the elastic in his underpants

golden-gate-bridge-san-francisco-california-1_mainSAN FRANCISCO- US,  A middle aged man has been saved from certain death by the elastic of his underpants. On November 18th, John Barns rose from his bed and got dressed, little did he know that his choice of Batman themed underwear would save his life later on that day. Deterred by workplace bullying, the shooting of unarmed Gorillas and the new Mannequin Challenge craze, it was the US’ failure to elect its first woman president that finally pushed him over the edge. John Barns drove through four states to reach the Golden Gate Bridge in San Fran, nicknamed ‘Americas Favourite Suicide Spot’ The bridge has had over 1600 “Jumpers” in the past 80 years and has a kill ratio of 98%. Today though was different, Mr Barns was to unwittingly become one of the 2% of survivors who walked away from the bridge rather than swim, he approached the south end at 11:45., “I said my prayers” he said, “I had resigned myself to death, America had become to much for me.” John took centre stage around 15 minutes later, he stood top-toeing on the gut wrenchingly high bridge and then he jumped. “I felt free, like an Eagle”, he said, “For about 2 seconds. And then there was this almighty ripping noise and my pants tightened, my groin was on fire as i swung backwards. I fell like someone was holding a red hot poker to my genitals and my butt crack.” The elastic has caught on a metal rod that was protruding from the structure, holding John long enough for him to be rescued by concerned passers by, one of which drove him to a nearby hospital where he was treated for third degree burns to his crack and as split testicular sack. He now plans to frame his ripped underwear as well as tour the country to speak at suicide awareness projects. He ended his interview by saying “Who knew, an ultimate wedgie would save my life.”