The Autumn Statement 2016: Phillip Hammond promises Free Rainbows and Glitter for everyone

583561a1c4618824588b459f Whitehall, UK- The tumultuous winds of Brexit and the unlikely installation of Donald Trump as POTUS have not hit the British economy at all according to the latest Autumn Statement by Chancellor of the Exchequer Phillip Hammond. As he stood in parliament, traditionally holding the tiny red briefcase from the days of 5 foot humanoids and A8 paper,the Chancellor began his announcements, and it started with a promise to use wind turbines and giant sprinklers to generate artificial rainbows for everyone, something Mr Hammond described as “A happy populace means a happy economy, when you leave your house you’ll have no choice but to smile and pass on the love.” The next was an announcement of free glitter, something that was sure to peak the interest of all the 5 year olds watching BBC at 12pm on a school day. “To celebrate Brexit and also to compliment the rainbows, were offering a free bag of glitter, you can pick these up at your local foodbank.” He said. Mr Hammond, was well aware that this was just a gimmick, “Now down to the nitty gritty” he said as his massive hands struggled to open the miniature briefcase. As he sped through his list there was barely time for laughter or applause, “As a Tory government were committed to increasing slump landlords by not building anymore houses, expectant price rises when we do finally Brexit and the cutting of strike action to curb workers rights.” One Labour MP who didn’t want to be named said, “Well its a pretty dire forecast, but at least the minimum wage is rising by 3p and hour. And don’t forget, free glitter yay.”