Scientists confirm that salty vegan tears are now the number 1 killer of marine life

400-07043751c-masterfile-sepavoHonolulu, Hawaii- After years of studying the decay of sea life around the United States and Europe, a group of scientists from the University of Honolulu have finally figured out the cause- vegan tears. Professor Brad Chung, head of marine life and studies said plain and simply, “Its the vegan tears.” he continued, “the vegans are constantly crying over their perception of animal rights abuse, their tears are essentially flooding the planet and causing the salinity of the sea to rise to dangerous levels incompatible with living things. We’ve counted at least 7 species that have gone extinct because of this.” When asked how Professor Chung knows that vegans are directly responsible for such a rapid change in climate he said, “Does a bear shit in the woods? I’m just kidding. We have collected and collated data from thousands of facebook groups, instagram accounts and tumblr profiles. Some of the more extreme users of these groups encourage their members to hold weekly sessions in which they get together to talk about veganism and to ‘let out their tears.’ This has also led to an unsustainable rise in world sea levels.” Proffesor Chungs report has sparked worldwide vegan outrage on social media, with sites like Tumblr receiving hundreds of thousands of extra hits. One angry user ‘ProtectThaFish’ was prompted into a stereotypical vegan post, laden with expletives, they said “Who the fuck does old git think he is, I bet he murders animals for jokes and laughs about their deaths when he tucks into their fucking fresh carcasses for dinner. He’s fucking disgusting. We should boycott Honolulu University because we’re emotionally unstable and can’t handle the truth.”