New Investigatory Powers Bill concludes that ‘95% of the web is dick pics’

theresa-may-snoopers-charter-2Whitehall, London- It was supposed to be used for intercepting and monitoring potential terrorist activity and cybercrime, however a new piece of legislation brought in by the British government has gone horribly wrong.

The Investigatory Powers Bill, also known as The Snoopers Charter due to its pervasively intrusive nature, gives almost 100 British government and police departments access to the webs deepest darkest secrets by monitoring the communication between its own citizens.

However, the Bill has revealed a lot more than the government bargained for, after 95% of the data it picked up consisted of amateur dics pics, sent by the nations horny males.

“Its clogging our servers.” Screamed a wide eyed Tom Ater, head of communications at the super secret spy facility GCHQ. “We don’t know what to do. We had no idea that 95% of the internet was porn.”

There have already been calls to repeal to repeal the bill by public agencies due to server meltdowns, but government officials insist that they need it to monitor terrorism, there are concerns though that the data being stored may be susceptible to cyber attacks.

Amid the pulsating screech of a fire alarm and distant explosions Tom continued “The servers are overheating and exploding. We’ve received over 95 million dick pics since we started searching yesterday. This buildings about to blow, we need to leave.- Oh my god the printers, they’re malfunctioning, they’re printing dick pics…”

Although the goverment and the now defunct GCHQ insist on the data being safe, one tin hat conspiracy theorist and dick pic enthusiast thought differently, he said “What are they doing with all these dick pics? Whey do they need access to them? I’m pretty sure they’ve even visited me whilst I was asleep and took pics of my dick too.”