The Cult of Celebrity has finally bowed to superstition this morning by announcing the sacrifice of the Kardashian family.
After a dire 2016 resulted in the loss of celebs including Musician David Bowie, The Artist formerly known as Prince and actor Alan Rickman. The more superstitious among them have decided to fight back.
In order to avoid the same dreary fate as those that passed in 2016, the Cult, lead by chief weirdo Tom Cruise, have voted to sacrifice the entire Kardashian family in order to please 2017.
“At first we were going to just sacrifice a goat. But that would only have saved a few of us. So after brainstorming for a while we came up with a plan, we’re going to sacrifice the Kardashian family. The whole lot of them.”
Tom is known for his strange dabbling in the occult, first joining Scientology over 20 years ago his fame causing his rise to the top of the semi secret society.
Mr Cruise went on to explain why his cult of eccentric celebs chose the Kardashian clan. “We think the celebrity status is banded around far too easily, 2017 is obviously extremely mad at this.”
“It was a toss up between Justin Bieber, Alec Baldwin, but there is an entire network of Kardashians, this will please 2017 and keep us safe.”
Tom and the Cult of Celebrity were very confident in their plan, however he did have a back up in case the Kardashians weren’t enough to wet 2017’s appetite.
“If the Kardashians don’t work, then we’re going after Donald Trump.”