THE world has been shocked, mortified and absolutely disgusted as a frail Julian Assange emerged from the Ecuadorian embassy after 5 years of being stuck inside.
Reporters recoiled in horror as the man known for his whistleblowing website Wikileaks, crept slowly through the front door to speak to the press conference waiting outside.
Wearing dark glasses to protect his eyes, looking grey, haggard and standing with posture that created an L shaped kink in his back. A visibly distressed Assange wrapped his pointy witch-like fingers around the microphone that was perched in front of him and began to speak.
“Its been five long years.” he said. “This Ecuadorian Embassy has been my home, I’ve sat in a 10 foot by 10 foot room with no sunlight and very little in terms of ways to exercise.”
“I’m glad to be out and free, I’m wearing factor 50 sun cream at the moment and its still not enough to protect me from this cloudy winters day.”
Assange was then quickly bundled away after the sunlight began to steam up his skin. Thrown into a blacked out van and taken to the Queens Medical Hospital for further assessment.
We spoke to Doctor Ali Mohammed who explained the reasons behind Assanges appearance.
“The reason he looks like Dobby the house Elf crossed with Gollum is purely and simply a lack of sunlight, he’s probably got rickets and a bone wasting disease called muscle atrophy, as you can see its not advisable to sit in a dark room for extended periods if time, otherwise you’ll start to look like a size zero model.”